


Painful Control

by Revoraic



Series: Vent Writing [1]
Category: Block B
Genre: Eating Disorders, Zikwon if you squint?, it could be triggering, please be careful reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 19:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8546512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Revoraic/pseuds/Revoraic
Summary: He was okay. He was happy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, PLEASE be careful reading this story. How things are written, and the subject itself, could be very triggering. If you arent sure if you can handle this, please dont read it. I dont think anything is super graphic, but its always best to be safe than sorry.
> 
> Thank you for reading~ <3

It was no secret that Yukwon lost a bit of weight in order to be in Block B. It wasn't unusual either, Jihoon had done it as well. Every BBC and their dogs knew about it.

What wasn't so known, however, was that Yukwon had taken drastic measures and couldn't seem to stop. He didn't even seem to notice what he was doing. He still ate occasionally with the rest of the boys. Sure, he never ate anything other than that, and he didn't always keep meals down, but that's normal right?

It wasn't hurting anyone. It had been going on and off ever since he incident with Stardom. He had acknowledged and fixed his problem after debuting. It just, came back after two years. Yet he never realized it. No one had. Yukwon acted normal enough, almost always eating on camera when he had to, and he wore enough layers to hide how tiny he was around the waist whenever he was hugged.

In a way, deep down, he knew. He knew that he wasn't feeding himself, he knew he wasn't getting the proper nutrients he needed, he knew he wasn't making himself throw up because he was sick. He knew, but he didn't. Call it denial, ignorance, but he considered himself okay and happy.

That's why he was incredibly confused when he realized he was being watched during one of their dinner nights in. Every time he would look up, he would see their leader, Jiho, staring at him from the corner of his vision. Did he have something on his face?

Yukwon slowed his chewing and grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth. Dinner that night was nothing special, just the usual take out. ‘ _Maybe he wants the rest of mine?_ ’ he thought with a glance to Jiho’s partially finished food.

He decided to just shrug it off and opted for slowly picking at his food, watching as Kyung and Jihoon playfully fought each other. “No food fights.” he said with mock annoyance in his voice, eyes twinkling with deep affection. The comment made both Minhyuk and Taeil bust out laughing, as the last time they had a dinner together it ended in Jihoon and Jaehyo tussling on the floor because the maknae got food in the older's hair. It was a fond memory for them all.

He could still feel eyes on him. He stopped himself from picking at his food to turn his gaze to Jiho. The leader looked indifferent, seemingly zeroed in on Yukwon and what he was doing. He gave the younger a small but genuine smile before turning back to his hardly eaten food.

“Kwonnie, you gonna eat that?” Yukwon looked at the source of the voice, Jihoon, and then shook his head.

“Nah, you want it?” He laughed at he maknae’s immediate ecstatic reaction, handing it over to him without a second thought. The blond was always more than happy to feed his band mates, even at the expense of his own meal. Maybe that's was why the BBCs always called him the Mom of Block B. Well, that and he was the one who always did the cleaning.

He was fully content on just leaning back and relaxing with his favourite people when the first lurch of anxiety in his chest hit. His bright smile faltered, casting a glance towards the hallway where the bathroom was. If he just made an excuse, he could probably be able to sneak away. No one needed to know he felt sick. He looked at the box of food that he gave their maknae, hiding his concern. ‘ _Maybe mine was bad?_ ’ he thought, the voice in his head full with worry. He didn't want Jihoon to get sick.

I was definitely getting worse. Yukwon could feel the bile rising in his throat, his chest tight and a shiver down his spine. He had to go. “Excuse me,” he said, loud enough for the others to hear but not loud enough to completely interrupt the conversation happening, before quietly getting up and making his way to the bathroom.

Immediately after locking the door and turning the sink on, he dropped to his knees in front of the toilet with two fingers down his throat without a second thought. It was as if he was simply on autopilot, the act of it coming to him naturally. In an odd, sick way Yukwon found comfort in the burn in his throat. When he's panting with his head resting on the seat, he can't help but find himself smiling. He may be shaking terribly, breaking out in cold sweat, and dry heaving, but he was happy. He was okay. He was even more okay when he found himself with his hand back in his mouth and fingers back in his throat.

It hurt. But it hurt so damn good when his entire body would seize up as all that came out of him was stomach acid.

He was okay.

\--------------------

It's all become routine. Wake up, go to the bathroom, step on the scale, shower, get dressed and continue on with the group's schedule. Without really realizing it, the number on the scale was imprinted in his mind. Every time he closed his eyes, it was there, bright and blinding. He was heavier today than he was yesterday. It made him nauseous. He refused to look in a mirror, but no one noticed. No one noticed when he wasn't eating breakfast, no one noticed when he would pointedly close his eyes or turn away from the mirror when their stylist did them up, no one noticed how loud his stomach was growling by lunch. They never noticed, and he was happy.

He was okay.

Minhyuk approached him later, with that same kind smile he always gives him. “Hey, Kwonnie. Wanna come practice with me? Ill let you choose the first one.”

Yukwon loved dancing. He was a dancer, as was Minhyuk, and he loved the control he had when he was moving. His mind thought back to that damn scale and that damn number, and he smiled, “I'd love to.”

That's how he found himself in their practice room, stretching. Yukwon could feel his back pop and he groaned at the last crack, “God I'm getting old.”

Minhyuk just rolled his eyes at him as he stood upright and made his way over to the CD player. “What song you feeling first?” Yukwon joined him by the CD player and looked over what they currently had.

He didn’t care what they did, not really. But putting that aside, he picked a random song before going to his side of the room. The older nodded and put the CD in, skipping to that track, also going to take his place. Yukwon was in full concentration mode. It wasn't a terribly hard dance, but he didn't want to mess up in front of his hyung. The other was the lead dancer instead of him for a reason. He felt pathetic enough as is, he didn't need to mess up more.

So he danced, and danced, and danced. He didn't stop dancing, not even when his hyung suggested a break. He only stopped when he was wobbling and black spots danced across his vision.

“Kwonnie, you okay?” Minhyuk asked, voice brimming with concern. Yukwon closed his eyes and bent over with his hands on his knees as he panted heavily. The entire room was spinning and he could feel himself shaking horribly. He was okay. Just tired.

“Here, maybe-maybe you should sit down.” He felt himself being moved to a chair, being sat down carefully. Yukwon opened his eyes to see a water bottle being handed to him, which he accepted, and gave him a wary smile. “I should go get Jiho-”

“No,” Yukwon croaked, “don't, he doesn't need to worry. I just got a little dizzy is all.”

Minhyuk frowned at him, “Either Jiho knows, or Zico knows. Your choice, Yukwon.”

The younger grimaced at the thought of their leaders practical alter-ego being notified of his dizzy spell. “Fine… Jiho…” And with a nod, Minhyuk left.

He didn't understand why others had to get included. It wasn't the first time he pushed himself to the point of exhaustion when he danced. It was actually incredibly common, worryingly so. It had even come to the point that Jihoon, Kyung and Jaehyo wouldn't even bat an eye if Yukwon collapsed to his knees during dance practices or if he could hardly catch his breath to the point of hyperventilating after finishing a set of dances. It was normal by now, and no one was bothered. Well, sometimes Taeil would be worried, same with Minhyuk. And Jiho is mostly unreadable.  
Yukwon was honestly confused at the anxiety building up in his chest, until he heard a rather fast paced, one sided conversation that was quickly approaching.

“-what he's doing, Jiho-Jiho, slow down! Christ, he's okay-”

And then the door was ripped open and in came Jiho with a completely stoic expression on his face as he made his way to Yukwon. Minhyuk remained in the doorway with a look of resignation. Jiho stopped in front of him, towering over him and staring down at him.

“Jiho-”

The leader held up his hand to silence the older and proceeded to stare into his eyes, into his soul. It made Yukwon anxious, uncomfortable. Was he angry? Upset? He didn't know and it was frustrating not knowing what Jiho was thinking.

“Yukwon.” The serious tone of his voice gave him goosebumps. “What are you playing at?”

The blond looked at the other, “I….what?”

“This happens every time. Its scaring the shit out of me and you need to stop.”

Yukwon looked past Jiho at Minhyuk, really not wanting to have this conversation. But Minhyuk just stood there. ‘Great, thanks.’

Yukwon looked back up at his leader only to simply shrug, “I like to dance. I just get carried away.” Not entirely a lie, but not the entire truth either. Jiho could see right through it.

“Bullshit.”

“Jiho-”

“ _Don't_ , Minhyuk.” His tone was so cold, “Let me handle this. Go.” And with a worried look to Yukwon, he hesitantly left. Immediately, Jiho grabbed Yukwon by the chin to make the other look at him and only him. They stayed that way for what felt like hours, just staring at each other. Analyzing each other. But neither of them cracked.

“What do you think I'm doing, Jiho?” Yukwon spoke up, voice soft even with the tense atmosphere is. It cracked Jiho, something flashing in his eyes.

“I...I don't _know_ …” he began, eyes searching his, “I don't fucking know and I hate it. I _hate it_ , Kwonnie.” Jiho’s voice lost its venom, trailing off to a quiet whisper. It almost hurt, to hear their strong leader sound like that. The nickname given to him being said like that didn't help anything either.

Yukwon reached his hand up to gently cup Jiho’s cheek and offered him a soft smile. “I'm okay. I promise.” It took a few moments of hesitation before the leader relaxed into his touch. Block B wasn't known for their skinship, but that didn't mean that they never offered it when it was needed behind closed doors. And right now, Jiho needed it. The young rapper was obviously stressed and overworked and it went to serve as a reminder how guilty he felt about this. He made Jiho worry, made him even more stressed. He was being selfish.

“Yukwon.” He was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of his voice, “Come eat something with me.” He could almost feel the colour leave his face at the thought of food, swallowing thickly.

“Jiho, I don't-”

“ _Please_ …” Jiho pleaded quietly. “Please just...It's just something small, hardly considered dinner.” The thought of anything entering his body, of all the possible calories, made him physically sick. But he was okay.

“Okay.”

\----------------

Yukwon didn't have a problem. He didn't. He was keeping his image, he was making his label and the fans happy.

“ _Holy shit. Ukwon is so tiny??? Are they feeding him there omg_ ”

He was okay. He was happy.

Taeil and Kyung were whispering back and forth, glancing at him occasionally during a recording session. _They were talking about him._

He was okay.

Minhyuk wouldn't stop staring at him during practices. He was judging his attributes, he wasn't as thin or good looking as him. He suddenly didn't care about eating to keep appearances.

He was okay.

Jihoon got too excited and picked Yukwon up by the waist, spinning him around as his hyung protested. Something in Jihoon’s mood shifted immediately and he was set down as the maknae stared at him strangely. He was too heavy, he knew it. He drew in on himself.

He was okay.

Jaehyo was walking with him after a concert when Yukwon nearly tripped over himself with a dizzy spell. Jaehyo had to hold him and steady him with concern just radiating off of him. He was annoyed, angry even, for wasting their time. Yukwon learned to hide his dizzy spells.

He was okay.

Yukwon forgot to lock the door. Jiho walked in. Jiho saw him with three fingers down his throat.

He was okay.

Jiho was yanking his hand away from his face just in time for Yukwon to be emptying his already empty stomach into the toilet.

He was okay.

He could hear Jiho yelling, but he couldn't focus.

He was okay.

He felt a cold, wet cloth wiping all over his face. He could feel himself talking, but he couldn't hear himself.

He was okay.

His vision started to come back to him in time to see Jiho storming out of the bathroom. He assumed it was anger. He shakily got to his feet, and left.

He was okay.

Yukwon heard a knock on his barely used apartment door, and when he answered it he regretted it. All the other members were standing in front of his door, mostly appearing casual. So he tried too. “Oh, hey there guys-”

“Can we come in?” Taeil interrupted. It put him off, getting a little nervous. He nodded however and stepped aside, eyes down as they all walking past him into the apartment.

Why were they here? He closed the door and followed behind them, watching as Jiho didn't stop with the others and instead making his way down the hall and into the bathroom. That was odd. If he needed to use the bathroom, why not do it at the dorms beforehand?

And then he came back, scale tucked under his arm and it all clicked into place. The anxiety immediately consumed him. “No.” he said firmly, before anyone could say anything. He didn't want them to know how heavy he truly was, they'd ridicule him. Seven Seasons will kick him out, he couldn't handle it, he's been an idol for so long.

“Yukwon…” Someone said softly. He turned and saw Taeil looking at him, “Please, we need to know.”

He shook his head and took a step back from Jiho, and felt someone, Jihoon, touch his shoulder. “We all know. You can't hide it anymore. We know what you're doing to yourself, and we just want to help.”

Yukwon closed his eyes tight and shook his head almost violently. He was okay, he was happy. He didn't need their help, he was just too heavy. He didn't want them to know. A voice spoke softly in his ear, “You don't even have to look, just step on…”

It wasn't like he had a choice, but they didn't want to come across as hostile. He was already like a scared, caged animal and they had to be careful.

Yukwon refused to open his eyes, and that was okay. Jiho gently set the scale down on the cold, hard floor before reaching out to carefully take hold of Yukwon's hand. The other knew it was him, and he could hear his breath catch in his throat. Jiho himself didn't want to know what number would pop up, but he had to do this. His Yukwon wasn't okay, and they had to fix it. So he brought the smaller male closer and waited patiently for him to step on the scale that he knows Yukwon knows is there. Time seemed to slow down as the blond stepped on it and froze, quietly whispering “I'm sorry” over and over again, voice broken.

The number came up and there was a split second where everyone was silent. Then a sob ripped through the air and for a moment, Yukwon didn't know who it was, but then realized it was him. He saw the number. He was too heavy, he was too heavy, he was too heavy-

“Oh god…” Jihoon. _He was pathetic_.

“Y-Yukwon?” Kyung. _God, he was a horrible hyung._

“What have you done?” _Too heavy._

“Yukwon…” _He wasn't okay._

He wasn't okay.

He couldn't stop himself from crying, feeling all their eyes on him and his disgusting body. He tried to curl in on himself, but he couldn't.

He wasn't okay.

Jiho grabbed his face with both hands and stared into his eyes, face blank but gaze swimming with emotion.

“45kg, Yukwon….” Jiho sounded so broken, tears making their way to the leaders eyes as well. Yukwon's mind was reeling. 45kg. It was too much, too heavy. It tore another sob from him.

“I'm sorry, so so sorry…”

“Kwonnie, what were you thinking?” Jaehyo spoke up to his right, and it hurt. He didn't know. He thought he was better. He thought he was okay. All he could do was ramble on apologies. Not for doing this, but for being so heavy. For being so fat.

“ _What?_ Yukwon - what, do you hear yourself?” Minhyuk blurted out. He didn’t realize he had said that out loud. “45kg,” Yukwon cringed at the number, and the older just took him into his arms away from Jiho, “Do you know the average weight of Block B?”

Yukwon closed his eyes tight. He didn't want to know.

“Averaged, Block B is about 60 kg.” Minhyuk softened his voice, practically feeling how upset the younger was. For once, he could feel how small and frail Yukwon was and it brought tears to his eyes. The other dancer was so fucking important to him, and he didn't even realize that this was happening. With one quick look around he knew everyone was in tears.

Yukwon always took care of all of them, and they did not return the favour.

Jihoon cautiously took a step closer to the pair. He may be the maknae, but right now Yukwon seemed so much younger with how much distress he's in. It was now painfully obvious how thin and bony the dancer was, and the number on the scale wouldn't stop echoing in their heads. They were so painfully blind to their Yukwon's suffering.

Jiho was probably taking it the hardest. As the leader of the group, and as their best friend, he took the other members’ health and safety into personal account. He worked hard to make sure they all were perfectly safe and okay. The fact that he wasn't able to protect Yukwon hurt him deeply. Before they came over, he had contacted their manager and the company and partially explained what was happening. Their manager was on his way along with a social worker of sorts to solve this issue. Now they just had to wait.

Everyone's mind was spinning with assumptions and questions. The most common being “why?”. They all had their theories. Had fans driven him to this? Was he just sick, mentally? Did the company do this? Had they themselves triggered something?

No one wanted to know the answer to that last one. 

“I'm sorry.” Yukwon finally spoke up after what felt like years of silence. He kept his eyes downcast, feeling too ashamed to look anyone in the eyes. He was selfish for doing this, for bringing Block B down like this, for-

_I should have hid it better._

There was a collective sharp inhale, and Yukwon realized he voiced that aloud. “Don't you dare say that.” Jiho growled, making the older look at him. It reminded him of that day in the dance studio, when he lied, “Don't you _dare_. We….we needed to know, Kwonnie.” He softened his voice at the end to not scare Yukwon.

It didn't take long before their expected guests showed up. Yukwon looked horrified and ready to bolt, but Jiho grounded him with an arm around his shoulders. He couldn't escape this, it had to be talked about. It had to be fixed.

“Yukwon…” He was starting to get sick of his own name, “I was told you're having problems eating-”

“I'm not.” He immediately interrupted one of their managers. Jiho squeezed him gently, a warning for him to shut up and listen. Their manager continued, “You're having problems eating, and we want to fix this. You're killing yourself. Yukwon. Have you looked in a mirror lately?” He waited. Yukwon didn't answer.

“You’re practically all skin and bones.” The older man stood above the pair, motioning for the blond to stand. After a moment of hesitation he complied, standing slowly with his eyes downcast. His heart was racing as was his mind. He knew they were going to kick him out of Block B, he was dragging them down, he-

“Yukwon? Hey,” the manager snapped his fingers in front of his face, effectively bringing him out of his thoughts, “Hey, calm down, kid. It’s okay, you’re okay.” The dancer didn't even realize he was borderline panicking. “We’re going to help you, Yukwon.”

No, they were kicking him out. He wasn't needed. He was nothing but back-up, he wasn't important anyways. His parts could easily be filled and he could easily be replaced.This was the last straw. He ruined his career-

“Kwonnie.” A firm, yet gentle voice pierced through the chaos and brought him out of his thoughts once again. Kyung. “Just breathe. It’s okay-”

“No! No, it’s-it’s _not_ okay! I don’t- I don’t deserve to be an idol, I don’t deserve to be in this group, I fucked up I fucked up so bad…” Once he started sobbing, he felt like he couldn’t stop. The tears just kept coming and it felt like he was being torn apart by his own emotions. He didn’t have the strength for this. He could feel himself spiraling downwards into the darkness of his mind, all the poisonous negativity threatening to consume him. The world around him began to blur, noises from the other members beginning to fade into a high pitched ringing before it all became mind numbingly nothing.

He was dragging them down. He was a burden.

Jiho hugged Yukwon tight to his chest and spoke words of kindness and reassurance. He could tell that the other was trapped in his own little world, and no one could blame him. This was a distressing situation, and no one wanted to truly be apart of it. Why would this happen to any of them in the first place? Let alone Yukwon?

Those questions could be asked and answered later. For now, they needed to focus on the now.

So Jiho held the other until his cries turned into small hiccups and sniffles. And even then, he still didn't let go. He felt like he couldn't. “Do you feel better?” he said softly. The answer came in the form of a shake of the head. “Do you want to feel better?” This time a small nod. It brought a sigh of relief from him. Thank god, it was progress. They could do this.

“We’re going to make sure you feel better. But we can only do that, if you let us do that. Will you let us help you?” Minhyuk spoke as he came closer to the two, gently placing a hand on Yukwon's shoulder. It took a moment, but the other nodded. It was almost enough to make the other members cry. 

It was going to be a long and tough road, but they knew they could do it. They all knew that Yukwon could get better. They loved him too much to let him fall, not on their watch. They were going to stick by his side, and take everything in stride. 

He was going to be okay.


End file.
